The Obesity Epidemic

I was watching the news the other night and was bombarded by fat asses. No, I'm not talking about the anchors; I'm talking about clips of fat asses in airports. And no, I'm not talking about fat people that have bad attitude; I'm talking about asses: buttocks, rumps, etc. The reporter stated that over the last ten years, the average weight of Americans has increased by ten pounds, so airlines need to charge more for tickets. Apparently, the extra pounds cost more in fuel to lift up in the air. The reporter also went on to detail how "passengers of girth" would be required to buy two seats instead of one. I was terribly confused by this news report. I went online to check it out and I found out some shocking information. Apparently, Americans are horribly overweight and many suffer from a condition called "obesity." As it turns out, obesity is an epidemic in America which is slowly lowering the average life expectancy. Epidemic... Wow, I hope I haven't caught it.

No, seriously. It must be contagious. How else would so many people decide to eat so much at the same time? See, I can't understand why people want to eat so much more now than they did twenty years ago. I don't know if anyone else has realized this, but food is getting worse and worse these days. Why else would people eat more of it unless they had caught a disease? For example, Oreos suck. I firmly believe that the Oreo Corporation has been executing a profit raising plan for the past several years. It all started with the release of "Double Stuffed Oreos". The idea was that they would gain favor in the public eye so that production could stop on regular Oreos. Once that had occurred (when was the last time you saw a package of regular Oreos?) they would begin the slow process of incrementally reducing the stuffing in the Double Stuffed until the cookie reached a point where it resembled nothing more than the normal Oreo in its former glory. In the mean time, the Oreo Corporation has blinded the public to the absence of normal Oreos by filling the shelves with "Mint Oreos", "Peanut-Butter Oreos", and the "Uh-Oh Oreo", which (and I'm pretty sure Jessie Jackson was behind this) puts the white part in the place of the black part and visa versa. The people at the Oreo Company are raking in the profit while we, the victims, are paying more for less. I hope you will join me in boycotting the Oreo. Unfortunately, you might have caught obesity and will be blinded by your hunger.

You may also be blind to the fact that Ben and Jerry's is ripping you off too. I was once a fan of the "Heath Bar Crunch" ice cream. Recently, however, I have noticed a change inside my pint. No more do you have the joy of finding an intact half a Heath Bar in your scoop. Instead, we are given ice cream with mere shavings of Heath Bars in it, shavings that were probably swept up off the floor. We are being fed scraps, my friends, the same scraps that are fed to dogs. No more are the days of whole cherries in your "Cherry Garcia" or chunks of cookie in your "Cookie Dough"... No more. How can anyone, except a person plagued by disease, stoop so low to buy these ripped-off products. Bags of chips are inflated with more air than my tires. The only thing "100% Fruit Juice" means is that, at one point in time, before the sugar and the water, there was an orange. "Alphabits" cereal is contributing to illiteracy by removing the letters "V" though "Y", claiming that they are not really that important. We pay more and receive less.

I am clear-sighted and alert on these issues as are many, but the obese, they are blind. There is no cure for obesity, and there is no guarantee you or I will not catch it tomorrow. We can only pray that we stay well.