The Danger of Wearing Pants

We all need a release every once in a while; I’m not talking about stress -- I’m talking about pressure, on the bladder wall to be exact. Yep, I’m talking about urinating. Pissing, whizzing, peeing, tinkling: the euphemisms abound. The place where this act occurs was covered in depth in the article "Potty Humor", so I shall instead discuss the act itself. I will do my best to keep this a civil discussion, but it may be difficult and you will see why.

At one point or another in our lives, we’ve all had to hold it for a really long time. Car trips are the usual cause. And so we all know the feeling of bolting into the bathroom like a squirrel on speed, unzipping, and most likely missing. This particular time, the problem was not that I missed the bowl, but that I had failed to miss something else.

I screamed with the voice of a six year-old girl, but with the lungs of an 18 year-old man. The noise must have been horrific, for my girlfriend came running to knock on the door. "Are you okay?" she inquired. "ICE!!!" I shouted, "GET ICE!!!". There should be little doubt in your mind as to what caused me such agony, but if you still haven’t figured it out, I’ll tell you: I’d caught the zipper, and not on my briefs.

Red hot pain seared from my groin. It was the hellish antithesis of an orgasm. I continued to stand there, frozen, lips trembling. My bladder, oblivious to the crisis, would not wait much longer. My skin was caught in the zipping mechanism, which had been moving down. Moving the zipper back up looked painful. So did moving it down. Leaving it was not an option. I was protagonist of an action film... "Red wire or blue wire? Red or blue?!" Gently, I tried to nudge the zipper downwards. "AHHHH!!!" More pain. After a moment of recovery, the only option left was to move the zipper up. It worked! The unholy union between myself and my garments had been undone. Just in time, I emptied my tank into the city septic system.

What did I learn from this episode? Did I learn to slow down and take care, because "haste makes waste"? Nope. I learned that it’s just plain safer to remain in one’s pajamas.

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