Hallows Eve

I wonder if Halloween is a federal holiday, or a national holiday. I wonder if it was passed by congress that we, as Americans, should celebrate Halloween. If not, it is at least marked on calendars, which is bad enough, even if it is not endorsed by our government. See, Halloween is a criminal holiday. That’s right, if it weren’t so widespread and rampant, I could actually see people cracking down on its evil-ness.

First off, it is based off a pagan ritual. It’s religious, just like Christmas and Hanukah, but Urban and Suburban dwellers are given no freedom of choice in the matter. A neighborhood full of pre-teens goes against anyone who refuses to join in the ritual. It is, essentially, religious hazing. If someone was asking you to cleave the neck of a Mayan virgin, you would not think that you were bound to do so. Then how come you think you are bound to participate in this sacrifice. It’s your candy! Keep it!

Halloween is run by a corporate syndicate. A syndicate composed of dentists and candy salesmen. It is strictly one-way cause and effect. The candy producers shamelessly promote the holiday and their products while the stealthy oral surgeons lie low. The unassuming children, YOUR children, walk around in the wind and sleet and snow to collect cavity-creating confections. Hershey and Snickers slip away with their profit and then the dentist leaps into action. Teeth are yanked, holes filled in, and x-rays taken. You are the victim. No matter who you are, you pay the cost, in money or in pain.

But the kids are not just victims. They are the criminals themselves! Guilty of trespassing, blackmailing, and MURDER! Ok, I exaggerate, but still, how can we tolerate their blatant disregard for the rules? With a simple walk to the door they are trespassing on private property. They are actively pursuing a dialogue with strangers, and what’s more, the strangers are giving them candy! But wait! Your kids are bringing it upon themselves. With three simples words they threaten the unassuming grandmother or friendly neighborhood mailman. By saying "Trick or Treat" they might as well be saying "Give me the loot or I will kill your mother".

And what of the poor people who are reluctantly forced into participating? The ones that put out a generous bowl of apples for the demanding masses get ridiculed by the selfish candy-hoarders. It is general knowledge that you can turn out the lights to signal that you are not a candy-giver. So is that it? I need to live my life in the dark just because I don’t want to give treats to the ungrateful pretend-dead (pun alert)?

While we wonder why Halloween does not catch on in other countries, they wonder how we can permit such madness.

Please parents, keep your kids off the streets and in doors this Halloween. Not only will it save all parties a lot of heart-ache, but there will be more candy for me.

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