Cereal Icons: Crooks, Creeps, and Criminals.

Breakfast cereal is a primarily American creation. You can’t go overseas and find Cheerios, Fruit loops, or any other sugary breakfast treats for that matter. It makes quite good sense that since cereal is an American confection that we instill its mascots with American values. Yes, the cereal companies are filling the minds of American children with American values… Note: That’s American values, not good values. We have learned from the great celebrities of our nation that infidelity, high-crime, perversion, and even murder are permissible. From Presidents such as William Clinton and Richard Nixon to pop stars like O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson we learn that dishonesty and crude behavior will get you further in life, or at least get you more attention. We glorify wrong-doers, ever since the days of bank-robbing cowboys, and native-massacaring explorers. Your innocent looking breakfast is no different. On any given box, there is probably an immoral, slime-ball of a cartoon character, grinning as you overlook and buy into his misdeeds.

Let’s start with Fruity Pebbles. Here we are presented with the amiable Fred and Barney. In life, they are the best of friends; in the world of cereal, however, they are sworn enemies. Neighbors are supposed to share, right? But Fred never shares his Fruity Pebbles with his pal. Is it then justified for Barney to create elaborate schemes to steal them? These plots sometimes include dangerous lasers and cold steel cages. Barney wields his weapon of choice (a saw) and wrecks havoc on Fred’s house. This is hardly morally acceptable behavior on Barney’s part.

Then there are Fruit Loops. Toucan Sam is a fairly nice guy on the surface, but you just know he has to be working for the wrong side. He lives with his nephews in the middle of the jungle, miles from civilization, yet everyone comes to take his Fruit Loops. You would think that if he were an honest toucan, he would at least have the backing of several powerful, well ordered, western nations. Instead he fights of the intruders himself, using his nephews as a private army. Ladies and Gentlemen, Toucan Sam is a drug lord.

It may not always be the mascot who is evil; Lucky the Leprechaun is a genuinely nice fellow who would never harm a fly. Lucky, however, is not very lucky at all. He lives under constant threat of kidnapping. Due to his extraordinarily small size, he is the perfect target for hungry Irish children to gang up on. When they catch him (and they always do) they steal his goodies (Lucky Charms) and don’t even say “thank you”. How is that for setting a positive example for our young children?

The list goes on: The Trix rabbit, the Smacks frog (It's called "Smacks" for crying out loud!), and the bird that is "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puff"; all of them have issues that negatively affect the American public. Seriously, cereal mascots are associates of evil. Why else would we call mass murderers "cereal killers"?