What's In A NameAndrew Leite, Tuesday July 31st, 2007
What's In A Name?
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Hello. My name is Andrew Martin Leite, and it is a pleasure to be
writing for you today. What's your name?
If you happen to be the offspring of Hollywood actor Jason Lee, star of
the hit sitcom My Name Is Earl, I can only assume that you would blush
and turn your head downwords before you mumble the answer to that
question. I would then ask "Pardon?" and you would raise your voice
just a smidge, barely loud enough to be audible.
"Pilot Inspektor Lee."
Of course, I would then repeat myself. "Pardon??" For I, as well as
millions of people across the world, have become accustomed to what we
deem "normal" first names. Of course, what constitutes as "normal" may
vary through different countries and religions, but the standard remains
the same. Here in North America, we have our John Doe's and Joe
Schmo's. Our Dan's and Brad's and Keith's and Rob's. Enter any room
with a crowd and shout the name Matthew, and you could have as many as
ten or twenty heads turn your way.
Which brings me to Pilot Inspektor Lee. Now there is a handle that
would be difficult to escape. It certainly makes it easier to pinpoint
the culprit when you find a city park bench with "Pilot Inspektor Wuz
Here" written across it in bold, dark letters.
This is how it begins, Friends. This is how fads are born, and how the
world is influenced. Everything begins at the top and rolls downhill.
It all starts with a couple celebrities and before you know it, the
neighbor boy's name is Jenga Monsterfuck.
I think, judging by several conversations I've had on the topic, that I
may be the only person who is amused by this new craze. For one, I can
see where the ideas come from. People like Jason Lee, who are smack-dab
in the public spotlight, need to stand out from everyday people. That,
and if anybody can get away with such a zany scheme, they would have to
be famous. If you or I, reader, were to name our baby daughters "Coco",
we'd be labelled as silly. When celebrity couple Courtney Cox and David
Arquette did so, however, it was condoned. Sure, many of us chuckled
under our breath, but we chalked it up to "Celebrities will be
Here's a good one. Penn Gillette, the larger half of the famous
magician duo Penn and Teller, has two children. His son, Zoltan Penn
Gillette, got off easy. For it is the outrageous name of his Doomed
daughter that caught my eye. I can picture it now, as Penn, beaming
with Pride, introduces her for the first time. "Hello, have you met my
daughter? This is Moxie CrimeFighter Gillette! Say hi, Moxie!"
Never before have I met anybody who's destiny is to become a superhero.
And, of course, we cannot neglect the dual capitalization of
CrimeFighter...for Moxie's sake, I can only hope that Penn's next Las
Vegas act is to make her dissapear permenantly.
Ridiculous baby names, of course, became major headlines when Gweneth
Paltrow and Chris Martin (of Coldplay) named their daughter Apple. Not
Orange, or Kiwi...Apple. Little do people know, but celebrities have
been coming up with absurd moikers long before Apple was even concieved.
Take, for instance, late singer Michael Hutchence. Anybody who knows
anything about music and, more importantly, the band INXS, knows that
Mr. Hutchence enjoyed his fair share of illicit drugs. That, of
course, may be the only way to explain how the name Heavenly Hiraani
Tiger Lily came to fruition. It pains me to say it, but I forsee a life
quite similar to her father's for little Heavenly, minus the fame and
fortune. Simply put, the only marquee her name should see is the one
above her local strip club.
The list of wacky celebrity child names is long and unflattering. Spice
Girl Gerri Halliwell named her daughter Bluebell Madonna; Naked Chef
Jamie Oliver bestowed his daughter the name Daisy Boo; Casey Affleck's
son goes by the name Indiana August. My own personal favourite? B-list
actress Shannyn Sossamon forshadowed her son a lifetime of heckling and
wedgies with the shameful name Audio Science. Shannyn should be put to
trial for cruel and unusual punishment of an unborn child.
To be Unique is one thing, Friends. To live on this planet with a name
like Pilot Inspektor Lee is something completely different. And I
thought they were being outrageous when they named my cousin Bud Leite.
Then again, that was a lot more clever than Apple or Daisy Boo.