Potty HumorPatrick Lancer, Saturday October 14th, 2006
I am a male. Generally when I have to, you know, go, I enter into the Menís Room.† This makes a lot of sense to me; guys go into the Menís, and gals go into the Womenís.† But some days I just want to go into the Women's, just to check it out. Mind you, no matter how deserted the area seems, I have never built up the guts to even peek in. There are a lot of rumors circulating around school about how much better the girls' bathrooms are.† When you think about it, girls are generally neater and cleaner than guys.† On the contrary, I hear that, in public places, the dudes have it better off as far as cleanliness.† This seems to maybe make sense.† I canít speak for all guys, but I am the sort that will hold it instead of going to the bathroom in a public facility.† Women, on the other hand, are going all the time.† And they donít go alone either, but with friends.† And I have seen lines out of the womenís room on occasion at the mall.† There are a lot of things I would wait in line for, but not to go to the bathroom.† Dudettes will wait in line, all the same.† Am I to infer that perhaps there is something special in the womenís bathroom?† I imagine fountains of fresh clean water and marble staircases with flowing red satin drapes and golden tapestries.† And that kind of compels me to stake out the restroom, wait until no one is around, and then sneak in.† †
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Now, allow me to describe what the situation is in the menís room.† Urinals, quite simply, creep me out. Not the actual receptacles, but the process of picking out the best one.† Sometimes you will mosey on up, unzip, look into the bowl, and find a dead bug looking up at you.† I am afraid one of these days I will approach a urinal that is the cozy abode to a living insect or snake. But unless you are alone in the bathroom, you canít go up to examine each one.† You need to be quick so people donít think you are weird.† I generally do not like to stand next to other men for fear that my eyes might stray or my aim might drift.† Also, mine is my own and I donít like any other male looking at it, not even my doctor.† But thatís another subject.† I generally try to pick a urinal at the end of the row.† That way there's only one urinal adjacent to mine, and I have a 50% lesser chance of ending up next to another guy. There are always the stalls, which are ok to use, but not as convenient. Of course, I never actually sit down in public restrooms;† I have my reasons.† Imagine the average male: obese and hairy.† Imagine him taking a dump while sitting on the toilet seat you are about to use.† Not so inclined to sit anymore, are you?† I also read an article about how mischievous kids will put a glaze of glue on the seat, so when you sit down you canít get back up.† The surgery to remove the seat is painful and embarrassing.† It takes years of therapy to get over the humiliation.† So I donít sit down.† I always stand.† †
Here in New England, we men have a saying: ďNeed to go? Pick a tree!Ē So, no matter how fancy the womenís bathroom may be, Iíll never need to see it because men have one thing that women donít: Convenience. †